It would seem that it’s already 2016. How did that happen exactly? I’m still trying to figure that out myself. Though I would have to say that the previous year went by both fast and slow. Fast when it comes to the traveling and big adventures. The slow part was when I had finally arrived back in the states and tried to adjust back into American way of life. I think I’ll do a reflection post later, but I want to focus on something else this time.
It has been such a whirlwind since I have started dating Jonathan Smith. I mean this in a good way. To be very real with everyone, he is the first man that I’ve ever dated. At first I was really nervous starting this relationship. Main two reasons for me to be nervous was that I was entering unknown territory. That reason and I had this weird cycle that every time I was beginning to have a crush on a guy, the person would be interested in someone else. Another confession is that I’ve had an on and off crush with Jonathan since last year…. So when I started noticing that he was flirting with me, it kind of made me excited.
As I said before that I was nervous. When I approached him more than two months ago about it was causing such a train wreck in my mind. I had been debating all that day at work and afterwards about whether or not I should approach him, to also ask Jon what our relationship between us was. So when I had finally asked the question via writing, he said that he would tell me after our small group when I was about to head back home. To make it short;
He had feelings for me and I had them too + serious talk about not dating for fun but for interest in the future = us making our relationship official.
Now fast forward to the present day to which this post has been published. There has been going on since Jonathan and I had gotten together. Even though it was only been two months and a couple of weeks for us, both of us as a couple have been learning a lot about what it takes to be in a relationship for both parties. It may seem like I am but I’m not really going to be talking about Jonathan the whole post, but rather my journey through this new stage in my life. Also a side note; yes it does feel weird talking about a man that I deep feelings for publically over the internet.
When I first started in this new stage of life, I had previously came to terms with God that I was okay with being single. It was actually my friend Carlyon back from Mijas that really gave me the inspiration with how she was finally okay being single and life fully no matter what. That no matter your act or what dreams you are living, that the right guy will come along and support you with those dreams.
I may be only 21 years old (turning twenty two in a month, feel so old!), though I was already at the point of just not really caring what was my relationship status was. Like I had said before, I made my peace with God about it which was a bit difficult for me. It meant leaving it all up to God and his timing. Which could mean that I either would possibly wait a long time or not? I guess I didn’t really have to wait long from the time I made the peace.
When we started dating it was like that bit of an awkward stage. It was getting to know each other and also trying to be comfortable with being vulnerable. It did become a bit easier as we celebrated each week that we have been together. Now I’m so much more comfortable with talking with him about what is on my heart than I was at the beginning. Though a couple of weeks ago we started to get into the deeper conversations about ourselves and struggles.
Let me tell you; you do begin to see some of the junk in your life when you start to open up your heart more to others. I’ve had struggles in my past that hurt. It hurts that those events in my life had happen when it was the other persons fault. That I was just along for the ride, only because I was still learning how to say my ABC’s. The past hurts and the past can scar you from moving forward, even in a relationship with someone wonderful that you want to marry in the future.
When we started to have some deeper conversations about stuff that we have been dealing with, it has been hard. I didn’t want to open my heart because it has been wounded.
I didn’t want to let the gates to swing wide open so instead I kept the drawbridge up. Thinking it was safer in the castle hat I had built over the years to protect myself from getting hurt again. Though the castle did keep me safe, but it also let the wounds from the past become bricks of the castle. Slowly holding myself hostage from being fully free to be myself.
I wanted to hide quite a few times, but with each conversation that was very difficult for me, it was a tearing down a different wall that had been molding away at my life. And through it all, Jonathan has been incredibly patient. He also has been completely open with me to which had allow myself to start regaining trust. To allow my feelings and opinions to be heard and protected. Trusting that he will not manipulate them nor take advantage of me for his own personal gain.
Too through all of the stuff we both have been dealing with and walking out with each other, we bring God into it. We let him be the center of our relationship and present in our desires and passion. Slowly (more like fast to me) we are both becoming more who we are with every hurt or lie that is being broken off from our past.
I know that there is a lot more I will need to work out from my past but I wanted to let you all know where I was at now. Both with myself but also where I was in this new stage of life. I hope you all enjoyed and maybe even was inspired a little bit.